Life Changing Events

Some people use their blogs as a space to rant, some to boast about their kids (ahem) and some to just make the world a more sun-shiny place. But then we fall into niches. Our blogs aren’t just for ourselves anymore. We don’t necessarily know who’ll read. And sometimes, we need to vent about someone we know reads us. I’ve offered up my bit o’blogosphere for one such person.

Thank you to HBM for hosting this event.

Five years ago my daughter then 20 and a junior in college announced she was pregnant. The plan at the time was she and her boyfriend were going to get married after the baby was born. Something I didn’t understand.

She and the boyfriend broke up and got back together several times before they finally called it quits. Before they broke up for the final time they had moved out of my house. The baby stayed with them for one night. Then he was brought back to me because they had a fight and needed to work a few things out. He has been with me ever since.

My daughter has a good job lives in a nice apartment and there is no reason she cannot raise this child herself. She chooses not too. She loves her son but she doesn’t want to give up her lifestyle. She loves to party and spend time with her sorority sisters. She has managed to portray to them that she is a struggling single Mom and I’m just a babysitter.

Five months ago my 22 year old son passed away. He had a degenerative brain disorder and lived longer than we expected but it still has been hard.

Since then I have had a harder time dealing with my daughter. I cannot understand why she does not want to spend time with her son. She kept him last night and called me and told me that his speech is getting worse. He is in speech therapy and everyone else thinks it is getting better. There have been several instances where she has tried to find something wrong with him.

He is very healthy. I cannot understand why you would borrow trouble. She says that she wants him to live with her but makes no effort. Since Jan she has only kept him 26 times overnight. She rarely spends the weekends with him because she has plans with her friends. For instance I asked her to keep him tonight. She said yes but has canceled because her friends want to go out.

I love this boy with all my heart and will be devastated if he ever goes back to her but I know that she is his mother and that may be best for him. He is now 4 and he does fight staying with her which I hate because I want them to have a strong relationship no matter where he lives.

Thank you for listening to me.

7 smart people left their mark:

  1. scylla, 30. August 2008, 10:15

    Your daughter is making poor choices for her son indeed. Luckily you are making good ones.
    If you have had him in your care for most of his life, you are a mother to him at this point.
    It would seem to me that he has a good relationship with his mother, one of them at least.
    Keep up the good work.

    scyllas last blog post..Haiku Friday

  2. Walking With Scissors, 30. August 2008, 10:52

    The way things are going right now, it certainly seems to me that he already IS in the best place for him. With you, he has a loving, stable home. You are reliable and safe. While I agree that he absolutely should spend as much time as possible with his mother, her lifestyle doesn’t support having a son and I fear that he will suffer for it. I applaud you for taking in your grandson and doing such a wonderful job with him – I can’t even imagine how hard it must be to start all over again when you thought your child-rearing days were over. Hopefully one day your daughter will grow up a bit and take responsibility. For now, just know that you are giving that little boy the home life he deserves.

    Walking With Scissorss last blog post..War Wounds

  3. Pamela, 30. August 2008, 14:16

    Yeah, in a perfect world it would be great if she were the best option, or any option at all. However, it seems that is not the case. There’s nothing that you can do to make her want him or make him want to be with her. Don’t fight it. Enjoy the treasure you have right there in front of you, snuggled in your arms.

    One of the most remarkable things in this world is a grandparent who steps up. Thank you, on behalf of a world of children who need better, for making this child’s life safe and stable.

    Pamelas last blog post..statistically dead guy with pet barracuda

  4. whensheworeponytails, 30. August 2008, 14:34

    I’m glad your grandson has you. But I feel for you, too, because I’m sure you didn’t expect that once your children were raised you would be raising another child. What a lady!

    whensheworeponytailss last blog post..Betchfest

  5. caramama, 1. September 2008, 9:55

    Maybe being with his mom isn’t the best place for him. At least, not until she is ready to be a parent, if she is ever ready. I’m going to echo the others and say that you are a mom to your grandson, and you are providing a wonderful, stable home. You should be proud of that.

    Also, I’m sorry about your son.

    caramamas last blog post..Happy Labor Day!

  6. Jennifer, 2. September 2008, 11:48

    It occurs to me as long as you help your daughter, she will use your help.
    Meaning, if you play a little tough love, she will be forced to grow up and take responsibility. It may be hard at first, and painful to watch, but eventually she will become the mom she is supposed to be out of necessity and then actual want and love. Her son is a stranger to her and it’s hard to take care of him because it isn’t what she is used to and it sounds like she’s a bit lazy and is taking the easy way out (going out and partying instead of owning her responsibility). She has to get used to mothering and then she will begin to love it and never want to be apart from him (is the hopeful thinking), but as long as you are the mom, she won’t ever be the mom. You

  7. avonlea, 2. September 2008, 14:03

    You are doing a great job for your grandson. He needs you. The commenter, Jennifer, above is so wrong. Tough love should not put your beautiful grandson in harm’s way (I mean emotional harm). Being foisted off on a ‘mom’ who has shown she is too selfish to think of him would be awful. You can keep encouraging her to visit and see him, but until she decides to step up, your grandson sounds like he *is* in the best place – with you, in a stable, loving home.

    avonleas last blog post..I got an award!